Happy Holidays When Family Isn't There

As many of you know, the connection with family can often be the source of much pain and confusion in life, especially if events in our childhood or adolescence impacted us in negative and lasting ways. Sometimes family taxes us more than it feeds us, and that is just the way human life is. So, if you are a member of a family where relaxing, nurturing, quality time is not consistently (or ever) available, then holidays may be marked by anxiety, mixed feelings, and uncertainty about how you will feel if a.) you attend family events, b.) you do not attend family events, or c.) you decide to be alone during the holidays. If you decide to attend family events and predict that your interactions with certain family members will likely end up causing you to feel pretty bad or worn out or confused, you may benefit from making a plan for yourself and your kids or partner, should they accompany you. This means planning for the following:

1. When you will arrive, how long you will stay, and when you would like to depart
2. What you will do if something happens that you find painful, unacceptable, or weird
3. What you will do to regroup with yourself and the friends and family who understand your situation
4. How you will take care of yourself and lift yourself up, after the fact

Make your plan, write it down somewhere, and stick to it. If you decide not to attend family events, you will likely benefit, once again, from making a plan for how you will spend the most important days of the holiday period. That plan can include some of the following:

1. Who you would like to see instead of family -- friends, acquaintances, your partner's family, new people
2. What you would like to experience -- exposure to music, art, parades, decorations, holiday events, parties, free time, fun
3. The holiday rituals you will generate to create a feeling of celebration, gratitude, fun, and belonging
4. The ways you would like to express and receive gratitude

Finally, if it turns out that you will be spending the holidays more or less on your own, you may want to consider the steps you can take to create an environment for yourself that is beautiful, plentiful, stress-free, and pleasurable. There are many, many ways to pass enriching time alone, and even if you find yourself feeling lonely, you can tap into the goodness within yourself and the world. It is okay to celebrate alone; after all, your life is as valuable, unique, and wondrous as the life of any other person you admire, love, care for, and hope to meet. Celebrate your presence, your consciousness, your abilities. If you have suggestions for fellow readers for smart and positive ways to spend the holiday times alone, please share them in the comment section. Happy, happy holidays -- and every day -- always!