Arguments are a natural occurrence in every relationship because each person in a relationship has their own perspective and situations affect each person differently. As a result, arguments can easily spiral out of control and turn into heated disagreements where neither side feels heard or valued. This often happens when people use language that unintentionally accuses the other person of something, such as “Why don’t you ever get me flowers for my birthday? You’re so inconsiderate,” which then provokes instant defensiveness in the person who is feeling attacked.
A simple technique called I-Statements can help people clear out defensiveness and promote heartfelt and clear communication by clarifying the true feelings that are causing the arguments to occur in the relationship. For the above scenario, the I-Statement might be “I feel hurt that I didn’t receive flowers from you for my birthday. It makes me feel unimportant.” I-Statements require us to take responsibility for our own feelings, and to think of problems from the perspective of what is going on within us, rather than outside of us. They are effective at preventing defensiveness because they promote simple and clear communication of a person’s true feelings, without accusing anyone of anything. If you would like to start practicing this technique to decrease conflict in your relationship, here are a few tips for how to make I-statements a part of your daily life:
Discuss I-statements with your partner: If both people in the relationship are on the same page about a new effort to improve communication in the relationship, it makes it a lot easier to practice on a daily basis. Talk with your partner about what I-statements are for and why you think your relationship could benefit from this technique.
Practice thinking about how you are feeling throughout your day, and why: Because I-statements require us to be in touch with how we are really feeling when we are upset or having a problem in our relationship, it is very helpful to practice random moments throughout your day where you stop and think to yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” and “What is making me feel this way?” The more you practice this when you are not upset, the more easily you will be able to think of how you are truly feeling when you are upset.
Practice phrasing your feelings from an “I” perspective: I-statements work because when using them, we phrase things from our own feelings and experiences. For example, if you are angry your partner for making a large financial purchase without consulting you first, you could word this as “I feel hurt that I wasn’t consulted about that big purchase. It made me feel unimportant and like we are not a team. I would really appreciate it if you could talk to me first next time, because I want us to work together with our finances.”
by Amber Fitzgerald, MA